At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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