she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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