When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
