Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
