take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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