You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
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