Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
