u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
