Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
