The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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