oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
