I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
