that's an acceptable place to lick
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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