It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
