omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I looked at my own cervix.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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