He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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