i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
