Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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