life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Please don't give away my fajitas
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
