You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
