Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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