Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
