my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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