listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just googled if crying burns calories
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
