When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
