so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
this just has baby written all over it
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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