Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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