I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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