I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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