Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
