goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
