So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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