I accidentally had phone sex last night
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
