please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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