I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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