And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
