I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
