I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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