dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
