When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
