Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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