Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
