YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
