alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
