If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
last night I used snow as a chaser
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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