Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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