i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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