the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
