So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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