Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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