roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Small penises have feelings too.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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