Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
