So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
