i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
