There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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