You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
