...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
