If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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